She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
