the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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