just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
