I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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