Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
