Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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