So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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