nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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