I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
