Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
