May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
