It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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