Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
