In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
