I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize