As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
