Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
