I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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