I love black thongs
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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