I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
