is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
