blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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