sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
