I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
