just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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