a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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