mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
