my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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