If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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