I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize