VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
