I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
