Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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