weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
