I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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