I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
