The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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