Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
