I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
