did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
And then he peed in my hair
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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