I will die if light touches me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize