All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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