Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
