I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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