Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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