I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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