Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
