when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize