# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
