seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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