i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
