You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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