Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize