i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
