He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
