His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize