she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
