Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
