just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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