you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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