Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
