The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
