update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize