I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
