guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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