Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
