my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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