the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
