Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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