It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
