I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
