If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
