FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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