I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
