I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
