I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
